Interminable Waiting

One more day comes to a close and one more day of utter and absolute frustration that rages against my power of self-control.

People ask me how I stay calm and cool in this situation and I think of the saying "If you can keep your head when all around are losing theirs...." but more intrusive on my mind are the P Company instructors yelling at a raw recruit to stop flapping and switch on!

I tried to arrange to send a child support payment through Paypal but the mother's attorney, Kim Bannister of Central Legal Services in Daytona simply claims Sheila has no email ... given the number of emails she has been sending to all and sundry claiming me to be variously domestically violent, sexually abusive in the most graphical detail and generally an all round bad egg, I am stunned that she does not have an email address anywhere either for her or anyone else in her family that can accept this online payment and transfer it to her bank account.

After getting "badgered' by Kim in court on Friday on why her client was not getting child support payments I find it strange that they are not biting my hand off to take my money for child support?

No sign of the State Department telephone conference either and the gist of access with Emily is to go to Panama City about 300 miles away in the Pan Handle for visitation when we have a deal that says I get to Volusia County and Emily will come here - seemed fair, I travel 3,500 miles to get here and Sheila travels 300 to meet me less than 10% of the way.

Mark me well; if I go to Panama City for visitation with Sheila Fuith, Debbie Martin and Cathy Bodin - three sisters all of whom have played the domestic violence card to the hilt in their lives, divorces and custody disputes in their collective past, I fully expect fireworks in Bay Countyif I go there.

Think I'd better get the British Consul's telephone numbers sorted out and ready to hand just in case or should I simply ensure I have medical insurance for the next time a redneck decides he's going to kill me or just beat the shit out of me because he's enraged at "poor" Sheila's plight and I'm such a "turd" that could do this to a child?!?

I doubt the next wave of allegations will be in the past if I travel alone to Panama City to see Emily and I do not mind admitting I am bloody scared of doing that or of being with Emily anywhere except in a very public place.

Tomorrrow I move to yet another location and another couch or maybe it will be an airbed, up in Ormond Beach. My attorney, David Ferguson has placed at my disposal an apartment up there and I need some time on my own and for all that moan about how lawyers are scum sucking, bottom feeders, don't say that about David anywhere near me; David Ferguson is a grade A, first class, honourable and thoroughly decent human being.

Nevertheless, there is a yearning for my family and the people I love that is tearing the heart and soul out of me but I cannot and will not quit on Emily.

If you ever are in any doubt that staying in your child's life is not worth the cost just look at the photograph of Emily and I when we were reunited in January 2006. Our first meeting and we were both happy and in love as fathers and daughters across the world can only be.

Never give in, never quit, keep calm and always keep putting one foot in front of the other but never lose sight of why you are doing it; because you love your children and they love you so leave your anger and hate behind, they will only change you into something hideous.